Dnt knw.....

Today I am visiting my blog after a very long time, may be life just got busy with loads of work, fights, health going bad.......blah blah!!!! but as read all my post & poems posted by me, I feel time goes by so fastly before we realize it was yesterday only tht something happened......

My blog is kind of a window of my emotions tht i have felt for all the special people in my life. It has posts for every single person who has been special to me. But with time, i cant feel things are not the same.......I wish I could go back in time & relive every good moment tht is thr in my posts. Be it my best dayz at office, or wonderful evenings with my angelzzzzz, or be it my special moments with mithoo or my long chats of expressing every bit of me to my best frnd....I miss all this today so much that when the thoughts of such things come to me, I dnt hv a tear to shed, but an emptiness in me....There are many ppl in my life you keep saying you have so many friends to share things with, but today whr i stand i m just too lonely....I hv meaningless frndships, ppl who r just putting up for the heck of it.....everything has changed......One of my frnds told me with time ppl change but the Q i hv today is why??? With time do we stop breathing, or having food, or taking bath etc., then why do we change todays ppl we say we love or are a very important part of our lifes......

Or the prob lies with me??? This is my latest Q to myself tht today i m alone......do i expect too much or as ppl say i am high maintenance nobody wish's to put up with me? I am seriously lost at present......I thought few months back that I will put myself together & stand up for all the bad's tht hv happened in my life & fight to achieve my goal. But in that fight today i hv become so emotionless that anybody come or goes from my life doesn't affect me any more....Slowly i am getting used to of living this life alone.

I dnt know why i am writing this post, but i am writing.....maybe i am getting blank day by day, tht i m cnt even understand wat i am feeling.....

Emotional Rush...........just wants to come out.....

My emotions were at peak, knowing that this was the last time of my life.........last time when you looked into my eyes, last time when you held my hand, last time when you smiled for me, last time when you hugged me.........coz it was the last time when you loved me. But i never wanted this last time to come before i lived my last breath. Now a new day has began, people say its new hope, but i know its just a start of my loneliness as i am nothing more than a dead soul.......

Just as the days pass, i ask myself... why do i have to go through all this......My frnds say maybe this is good for you, but do they realize to reach that happiness, i m gonna go through alot of pain, rather i am already going through. Loving some one can be so painful, i never knew, as everytime there was a hope, that things will be normal again.... we will be together again, but that day when it ended, i knew nothing will same again.....never..... it was so simple this time, he simply said its over, and i sat there startled, thinking this is wat i was waiting for?? NO!!!! i may have said so many times, i dnt love him any more, but i knew it was not easy to get over all those 6yrs.....those years when i grew from a baby to gal and then matured as a woman, those yrs when i never understood what being in love is to today, where is was an integral part of my life. But today it feels, that sum1 has cut one of my body parts, and kept in front of me to see it bleed and bear the pain. You can forget everything in a day, but i cant. You said i have to strong, yes for a change i will listen to you and will become strong.

Everyday comes as a challenge now, but then i try to fight with it everyday. I ask myself, when i always said, even impossible says i m possible then why am i lossing hope & strength. I am just too confused with a turmoil of mixed feelings. But i will fight with that and come up as a shining star. I will make you say one day, that 'I WAS THE BEST'. I ll do it!!!!!

My Friendship & My Feelings.....

Its not just about today, tomorrow or yesterday. Its about what I have been feeling from such a long way!!! Everybody has certain traits, so do I have. But with this I have questions..... When I accept everybody the way they are, why can't it be same for me?????

People say I don't know what being lonely is!!!! But is the physical presence everything??? Sometimes you have a crowd around you, who just don't make you feel yourself!!!! I have so many, but don't feel myself with them.....I can't be what i am with them... can't laugh, scream, cry or share being myself.... Then how come I have many people..... I don't have any who I can say is my bestest friend.

You meet new people everyday, from work place to college to social life, so do I. Maybe because of my nature end up giving importance to all, forgetting that the person is just tooo selfish to revert back.

People are cold because of their problems, but why do they forget that everybody have problems. So do I have, but do I forget giving love & care to my loved ones.

Had friends, very special ones... But today they seem so cold and away. It feels more bad when you don't leave any stones unturned for anything that I could have done for them. But today they gave a cold shoulder and come up only when they have some work to be done.. When the work is over who am I??????

I know I have a habit of being possessive, rather too possessive.....This is because I love my friends & care for them. For me they are special, even that means caring for them even after they have left me because of a small fight or I have pushed them away for their betterment or don't even know why they left you....Sometimes it really hurts to have such friends whom you give everything, but in end you get nothing but hurt!!!!

A small thing made me feel how lonely I am the other day!!! It has been days since then, but i can still feel it.....It was seeing two best friends together, having such a special bond of friendship & love, sharing everything from secrets to there things... having same clothes, slippers, bags etc. I realized that day that I miss all that which even I shared once. There used to be days same with my best friend, but today I feel so lonely. The bond was also there in my life, but then why it vanished??? Am I really unlucky in friendship or am I not worth it???

With my feelings so pure at heart I will keep on doing best for my 'so called' friends who don't care, but a day will come when they will realize..... Hope so!!!! and if it doesn't happen then maybe I will believe in the fact that problem lies with me.

But ya there are some people who have really made me feel that I am special for them..... So there come a special thanks to them for making me a part of there life.....

This is dedicated to all those people who have been special......

"TODAY, TOMORROW OR EVER,
I WILL FORGET YOU NEVER,
THE PLACE IN MY HEART FOR YOU IS SPECIAL,
BUT DO LET ME KNOW IF I AM NOT UPTO YOUR LEVEL....
BECAUSE I CARE FOR YOU SO,
AND NEVER WANT YOU TO GO"

Something that my love gave me 3years back......

With love from my love mithoo

 So passionately we were in love.

We knew it would last forever.

I gave my heart and soul to you.

You promised you would leave me never.

 

An angel gave us a necklace

To place around each heart.

With the security of these blessed links,

Our love would never depart.

 

We lived and loved, so carefree and gay

For such a very long time.

Suddenly one day something happened,

Your love was no longer mine.

 

You left me for another.

My tears were hard to hide.

I never thought I could ache like this.

I cried and cried and cried.

 

After a very short time, you came back,

Much to my surprise!

You told me you never stopped loving me.

Now you had tears in your eyes.

 

That same angel came to you last night,

Placed a broken clasp in your hand.

Our love was always tried and true

 

Slow Dance

This is a poem written by a teenager who has cancer. Found it really nice so added it!!!!!

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day On the fly?
When you ask 'How are you?'
Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say, 'Hi'

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

Sometimes you cant do what you WANT TO,
'coz you HAVE TO let go of it......
But sometimes you cant do what you HAVE TO,
as you don't WANT TO.........

I need you more,

Then you need me....

Its not just a lover, 

But have lost the friend you used to be.....

I confess today from my heart & soul,

You - in my life play a very major role.....

Just as i close my eyes,

I realise in my heart lies,

The love that now cries...

I think night & day,

Do u still love me the same way...

If i came running back to you,

Will you hold me close & say I LOVE U too...

But my fears make me so weak,

hoping my tears would n't 

bring out the pain & leak.....

Love sees no barriers I have heard,

But then why can't I fly like a free bird??

I know you hate me for what I did,

But this is what you left me wid....

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU...

I LOVE YOU so much....

I don't know how to accept,

whatever that happened in a rush....

I wish i would have hugged you, 

when you asked....

That would have made me live my life,

Till my last......

Now here I stand so lonely,

Smile often yet so rarely.....

But a day will come when we will meet again,

Though I wish that it comes today along with rain....

एहसास जज्बातों के....

यह एहसास कुछ खास है,
जज़्बात में भी आवाज़ है,
जिसके प्यार का दिल में राज़ है,
क्यूँ उससे दूर होना ही मेरा जवाब है??

रोते है हम सरहाने से लिपट कर,
सुन न ले हमारे दर्द कोई छुप कर।
वोह राहें मिले थे हम जिस पर,
आज चुभती है वोह पलकें आंसू है जिन पर।

कहते है लोग भूल जा उसे,
पर पूछता है दिल क्या पहेले रोक सके वोह मुझे??
जब बड़े थे कदम उनकी तरफ़,
डरते थे न कर बेठे कोई खता हम।

आज अरमानो से भरे है जज्बात,
क्यूँ की तब से अब तक, यह एहसास है खास......
जिसके प्यार का दिल में है राज़,
क्यूँ उससे दूर होना है मेरा जवाब??

JusT a tHOught......

I loved him from soul,
I ll always love him till god makes my life play a role......
I ll love him with a hope that he gets some1 who loves him much more.....

SO LONELY SO DEPRESSED.......

This a small poem which I wrote when I was in worst of my moods...... Maybe to sum it may feel that i need some sympathy, but since i post what all I write, so another addition...

I Feel So Lonely, I Feel So Depressed.

It Seems That Problems Never Take Rest……

I Look Around For People, Who Would See What I Did For Their Best,

But All In Vain As I Am So Lonely With Peace Not Even Being My Guest…..

I Feel So Lonely, I Feel So Depressed…..

Days Pass But Nights Last For A While,

Hoping That One Day The Eyes Will Smile……

The Lips Have A Divine Shine,

To Hide My Pains Those Leave Me Crying…..

I Feel So Lonely, I Feel So Depressed.

I Ask Myself When The Day Will Come,

When I Feel I Am Also Loved…..

No!!! But Don’t Think I Am Weak,

As I Fight With All Odds As If It’s Just A Tweak…..

But Behind This Fighting Smile,

I Have Tears Which At Night Shine So Bright….

So I Will Hold Them Close & Won’t Let Them Know…..

Ya Let Them Know!!! Because One Day I Will Fly So High,

Leaving Them Question How And Why???

But Till I Find A Way……..

I Feel So Lonely, I Feel So Depressed…

And Will Take All Challenges To Fight And Clear The Life Test!!!!

कुछ एहसास....

दिल से.........


लगता आज सब अधुरा सा है,
क्यूँ अपनों का प्यार न पुरा सा है।
कहते थे की वोह मेरे अपने है,
फ़िर क्यूँ तोडे मेरे आज सपने है?
करता है दिल सवाल उनसे,
क्यूँ मारा मुझे अपने चल से?
क्यूँ करे वादे,
जब अच न थे इरादे?


बहुत है दिल में दर्द आज,
पर किस्से बताऊँ और किस्से चुपयुं?
कहते है वोह मेरे दीवाने है,
पर फ़िर क्यूँ आज वही इस एहसास से अनजाने है?
दिल चाहता है के कह दू उन्हें मेरे दर्द के क्या अफसाने है,
पर क्या वोह समझ पाएंगे की यह सब उनके प्यार के नजराने है?

8th Jan, 08 to 8th Jan, 09

Journey Of A Year........

It started on 8th Jan, 08, when I entered into an organization with lot of hopes and fear about how would my career be after my decision of being a part of it. The day was really scary. My first Job in a way. The only 1 to be placed from my batch was a pride for me. Being praised by my teachers in front of my juniors was an achievement for me. Everything that I wanted from my 3years of college life got in a sec when got connected with an MNC.

Started my new life. First day was a day when my boss got upset

with me because of not wearing formals to office, I didn’t have one. Would a college going

student have them, I doubt.... But that was fine, it was just the start. There was a long way to go, to make my impression good.

First 15days were really good and fine, before one of my colleagues came back who was a big time pain in the ass with her 24x7 nagging and dominating nature. But then that’s what people around these days. Accepted her the day she was, but she was not able to accept me as I was. With this started our cat fights (3gals together, what can 1expect.....lolzz). Even our boss got pissed with our fights... Then came another new addition to the gang and then came groupisim & politics. There were days when we used to party,order burgers & pizzas and have a blast. But as said by someone good things don’t last for long, same happened with us. Few good things or work done by me impressed my client. This was a thing that none of my colleagues could digest as a lot of elements were there to brainwash all. This came to a point that nobody from my dept. talked to me. It was another fight for me that I fought with myself to stay strong and with them by not accepting wrong.

It almost came to a point when I was ready to leave my job, but then I had certain friends who became my support and gave me strength to accept all happening around me and emerge as bright star amongst all in the sky. But then it was a phase. This lasted for more then 2months, before a major confrontation happened, that was a hope of getting things back to normal.....and it started happening. We all started talking and made sure that the work never suffered. Certain people who joined in as interns played nice game of creating probs between all of us, but as the evil loses in the end similarly so did her evil intentions also came to end when we all joined our hands together. Chalo lets end the bad things and now about the good things.

With his started a better phase....One of my collogues with whom I always fought was about to leave the office, which was a sad moment for me.I was gonna miss all that 24x7 nagging, those fights & taunts which all were just for me. :P funny u know, who would miss all this.....lolzzzz but I knew I would. But then nothing lasts long so with her going away new people came in.

This time the new addition was already my bestfriend before, so things were easy also now & difficult also. The 2nd day of her job she bought games for us to play....Continuously all day long we used to play Mario like kids. :P keep chit chatting and used to do no work.... But when work rained heavenly on us, we all would neither look left nor right, but just work...

Then came my Birthday and I swear I really felt special that day.. Thanks to my colleagues who made a lovely card for me, bought cake for me and especially played the b'day song for me.... All that was so special for me.. Can you bet, that card was made in front of me, signed by everybody in front me & i didn't even get to know that.... I was such a lost person that day!!!! When got to know about it i couldn't stop laughing on myself...lolzzz :P

With this time just flew, from minutes to hours to days to weeks to months and finally to an year. I have completed my year in this organisation and where I learnt many things about myself, my friends, people in this world and what I was doing among them. There were certain people who were not apart of my office, but supported me the most when I started losing hope because of my bad days at office. I just wanna tell them that I love them alot for being my support and strength throughout and they are the best things to happen to me. They have been the best of friends I can ever get.

Another thing that was good about this job was that it got me appear for my college advertisements in newspapers and even on metro station hoardings.

Also about people at my work place from the day I joined, what I felt for them:-

@Megha: My first colleague who taught me how the work was done. She was my biggest competition. But she was a gal who had alot of confidence, which I hope helps her throughout her life and does not become over confidence.

@Shruti: Well Well Well!!!!!! The gal or should I say the lady who used to take my class the most. The only person in front of whom I went quit was her. Madam would always fight with me and back bitch about me, waise now I know that. But ya I really miss her sometimes.

@Nidhi: Ahmh!!! For her I can keep writing books as that would be describing about me only. Just like me, she is person who wants to live the life at her fullest. Emotional like me, but her New Year resolution is to be insensitive towards people.. lolzz...We have similar likes & dislikes from food to hobbies..... Love u babes....

@Vidhi: The most sensible of the lot. She stays quite, observes everybody and speaks when the time is right. She knows how to hit the bull's eye....

@Kamna: Ok!!! she is my best friend. though we know each other from last 4years still, there is alot to explore about each other and emerge as a surprise for each other every time. Now a days we fight the most, but then we love each other too..... I hate to say, but you are really special to me & will always remain so.

@Atoshi Nayak: Firstly congrats to her for her marriage. Finally she is settling down...Phew what a relief. If she reads it she will kill me. But a person who does alot of show off. I have this; I have that...blah bhah!!!!! She is in love with Vidhi!!!! lOLZZ. Thank God!!! she was just an intern....:P

@Ishita Ma'am: Ma'am explains all!!! My boss...well about her I won’t write anything much, coz if she reads she will pakka se kill me...But ya she is very talented.... Hope she see's our talent too... lolzz :P

Last but not the least I would like to say this 1years went how even I don’t know. Just it was a good & bad both experience for me. I had my best of the times and worst too. There were days, when we used to party and have fun. Went out for movie and outings.

All will always remain special to me even if I leave this job Tomorrow. I would thank everybody who has been apart of this journey of mine with all good & bad I got from them.

PS: 1thing that is still same is when I joined; we didn’t have access to orkut and gmail chat. And today with completion of my 1 Year our administrator has blocked them all again.... lolzz... Hope it restarts again.....

Love U All

Vandana (Vandy)